Sweetest Salvation Read online

  “What do you want, Hunter?” Her forest-green-eyed gaze met his. Anger swirled in their depths.

  “I’m tired of this. Dammit.” He snarled, rising, and crossed to the fireplace. He ran his fingers through his hair and leaned one arm on the mantel. He looked over at her, stomach churning with indigestion and pain. He’d loved Patrick and Peter too. Could she not understand that she wasn’t the only one suffering?

  “Tired of what? I never asked you here.”

  “This!” Hunter spread his arms wide. “You. I’m so tired of seeing you locked away in this house, never leaving and pictures gone.”

  “Go to hell,” Andy spat and leapt to her feet. She moved behind the loveseat, obvious fury making her hands shake as she laid them on the back of it. “You don’t have any say in how I live. I never asked for your opinion. If you don’t like it, get the hell out of my house. And my life!”

  Hunter breathed deep, nostrils flaring. He could no more walk away from her than he could from the Sheavers. She was as much a part of his life, and his heart, as they were.

  But his love for her went far beyond sisterly.

  He pushed that thought away, buried it deep within himself as he’d done for years. She was Patrick’s girl, his wife. He always honored that.

  “Dammit, I don’t want to argue with you, Andy. But you really need to move on. Live life again and leave this house.”

  “I leave the house. You don’t know what I do every day.”

  “Oh yes, you go out. Like the other night? Why did you go to the club? I thought we agreed you were no longer a member,” Hunter demanded, curious about her answer.

  “No. You decided I was no longer a member. Not me. I never said I wanted that. Who are you to make decisions for me?” Andy retorted, cheeks flushed, hands on her hips.

  Hunter had to admit he was finally seeing a glimpse of the fiery, strong woman she’d been until this last year. He liked her eyes ablaze, jaw clenched and fury radiating off her body. He just needed to provoke her enough and challenge her to move beyond these walls and back to the things she loved to do.

  “I don’t want to make decisions for you.” He took a calming breath. “Listen, the club is not the place for you any longer. Without Patrick… There’s no need for you to be there anymore.”

  “Why do you think that?”

  “He was the one who wanted to show it to you. He never really thought you’d come to enjoy it as much as you did. Neither of you interacted with others. What can you find there now without him?”

  Andy smiled, cold and detached. He hated that smirk.

  “Oh, come now. You know what happens in your club. Surely, I don’t have to spell it out for you.”

  Goddamn her.

  Yes, he knew what she’d done inside the room she’d once used with Patrick. Though he normally didn’t interfere in his members’ activities unless there was a problem, he did ask Paige and Nolan if Andy had simply watched. He’d been shocked, then livid, to learn a few details of what happened between the three of them.

  Andy had always been a devoted wife to Patrick, faithful to the core. To know she’d been an active participant at the club for the first time had suddenly left him empty and alone.

  But he couldn’t allow his feelings on the matter to distract him from pushing her back into life.

  He shrugged. “No. You don’t have to spell it out for me. But is that what you truly want and need in your life? Sex with strangers? Do you need to find comfort in people who don’t care about you?”

  Andy glared at him. “That is none of your business.” Her voice rose as she continued. “What I do in my life is for me to decide. I never asked to have you in my life. Don’t expect me to want you there now.”

  His heart clenched. Her words were like a punch to the gut.

  Yes, he’d sort of come as a package deal when she’d married Patrick. But the Sheavers were the only family he had. And when Peter was born, oh, he’d played the dutiful uncle to the little boy. Though she’d never voiced her frustration at his being in attendance at nearly all family gatherings or taking up some of Patrick’s time once a week for a guys’ night out, he’d understood the stone-faced woman who left the words unsaid.

  “I always promised Patrick I’d look after you if he couldn’t.”

  “Fuck off, Hunter. Don’t give me that.” Her hands fisted at her sides. “Look, please just go. I don’t need you here. I have things to do.”

  He wouldn’t be so easily dismissed.

  “Things to do? Like what, plan your next adventure at the club? I don’t think so. Why? Explain to me why you felt the need to go there?”

  Arms wide, she yelled, “I wanted to fuck somebody. Is that what you want to hear? That I wanted to have a cock inside me for the first time in almost two years? I wanted to have a man inside, pounding me—brutal and painful. What better place to do that than at the club where I know I’m safe?”

  Hunter’s heartbeat accelerated. To know she needed someone that close to her was agonizing. It was a barren and desperate act of someone who had nothing to live for. Or didn’t think she was worth much.

  “Why pain? You couldn’t have found satisfaction in that. No pleasure, Andy? You, of all people, found pleasure in that kind of sex? I don’t believe for a moment that you’re now into rough sex,” Hunter said, gruff. His mouth was dry, and confusion made his head hurt. Would he never understand this woman?

  Andy crossed her arms over her chest. She looked out the window behind him. Her gaze was unfocused, filled with pain.

  “Yes, pain. It’s what I deserve, isn’t it?” Her gaze captured his. Hunter felt his heart crack at her desolate look. “I killed the two most important people in my life. In your life. I just want the pain to make me forget for a little while. To put the guilt and loneliness aside for a few moments at least.”

  Hunter’s legs shook as he stared at the woman he loved. He reached out a hand, found the arm of the sofa and stumbled to sit down. “Andy,” he breathed. He shut his eyes. He couldn’t take the pain in hers and needed to close himself off from it for a moment.

  He’d had no idea just how bleak and lonely she’d become. He’d believed her grief alone had kept her from truly living.

  He opened his eyes and watched her wipe the tears from her cheeks. “Andy, sit down, please,” he requested softly.

  She moved around the loveseat and took a seat, curling her knees up to her chin, arms clenched tight around them. He’d never seen her look more fragile.

  He took a deep breath and tried to figure out how to get through to her.

  “There is no reason for you to go to such lengths because of any guilt you feel. Neither Peter nor Patrick’s deaths were your fault. You have to know that.”

  Andy looked at him, shocked. “Not my fault! Of course they were my fault. I drove the car that killed my son! My husband died of a broken heart because of it. The full blame lies at my feet.”

  Hunter couldn’t stand it: he had to get closer to her. He lowered himself off the sofa and practically leapt on his knees toward the loveseat. He grabbed her ankles and squeezed. “Andy, a drunk driver hit your car. There was nothing you could have done to stop it. You nearly died yourself. ”

  “I wish I had died instead of my darling little boy. My sweet angel.” Andy dropped her forehead onto her knees. Sobs racked her body.

  Hunter’s eyes filled with tears. Memories of Peter toddling toward him, calling him “Unc Ter”. His heart ached missing him.

  “Andy, look at me.” He waited until she lifted her head. Eyes and nose red, she was still the most beautiful woman in the world to him. “I understand how you’re feeling.” He raised a hand when she opened her mouth to object. “I do. I wish I could go back in time and change everything. To bring them both back. But I can’t, and neither can you.”

  He cupped her calves and rubbed softly. “You need to find a way out of your despair and move on. It’s what Patrick would want.”

  She shook her he
ad. “Patrick hated me before he died. His grief and hatred for me is what killed him.”

  “No, sweetheart, listen.” He clasped her hands when she shook her head. “Dammit, hear me. You know about the heart disease that ran in the Sheaver family. Patrick’s grandfather and a couple other grandparents before him all died from it. I know the doctors explained it to you. Patrick’s heart just stopped beating while he slept. It’s not your fault.”

  “But losing Peter put more stress on his heart. If I hadn’t lost our baby, Patrick might still be here. I don’t care what the doctors say about some hereditary disease.” Andy’s hands tightened around his. “He died from a broken heart because I killed our little boy.”

  Hunter could almost feel the pain shooting from her fingertips.

  “I want them back, Hunter,” she whispered.

  “So do I, sweetheart, so do I.” He rubbed her fingers gently with his own, their gazes locked.

  He could drown in her eyes. Though he’d kept his feelings buried deep so they never showed when he was around her, there were times when he’d let his guard down a little bit. Sometimes he wished she’d look at him as she once looked at Patrick.

  He’d watch the two of them together, kissing, touching and sharing looks across the room. At the club, he’d seen them pet one another, raising their arousal and desire before they’d head home and take care of those needs.

  But Hunter had never felt jealous of Patrick. He’d been like a brother to him, and he would never harbor any grudges against him for finding happiness. He’d only wished that he could find someone to love besides the lady in front of him and grow old with her. To see the Sheavers, as well as Andy and Patrick love one another allowed Hunter to believe in it.

  “The pain and guilt will one day fade. Until then, you have to continue to live your life and push it away.”

  “I don’t deserve not to suffer. After everything—”

  “No, dammit,” Hunter cut her off, anger surging within him. “You do deserve happiness again. What you do not deserve is to let strangers use you in whatever twisted ways you’ve thought up in your mind. It’s inconceivable to think you’d allow yourself to be treated like that.”

  Andy pulled her hands from his grasp and huffed out a deep breath. “You don’t know anything about it. I’ll go back to the club whenever I damn well please.”

  “No, you won’t,” Hunter said, smug. “All members of the staff have been given explicit instructions. They will be fired if they grant you access of any kind.”

  Andy gasped and clenched her fists. Hunter had the feeling she wanted to slug him.

  “You didn’t! It’s not Bridget or Zander’s fault,” she scowled. “Do you hate me so much that you’d take away the only thing that gives me any kind of way to live with everything?”

  “Hate you.” Hunter frowned. “Whoever said I hated you? God, Andy, I…”

  He caught himself before he said too much. Confessions of his love were the last thing she needed. She’d never believe him, anyway.

  “Look, maybe we can spend more time together. Talk, do things that will get you out of this house and help you to move on. I can clear my schedules at work for however long I need to. Everything can be handled over the phone.”

  Andy shook her head. “No. I don’t want pity and do not need your constant nagging. If I can’t go to your club, I’ll find another one that caters to the same things.”

  Hunter drew back, stood, and glared down at her. “You’d seriously go to another club that doesn`t have the same safeguards I employ, and let strangers use you? Fuck you senseless? I won’t stand for it.”

  Andy shot to her feet, eyes narrowing on him. If he wasn’t shaking with rage, he’d find it funny that with her five-foot-three frame, she tried to look mean and commanding against his six-foot-one.

  “You have no say in the matter. I make my own decisions.”

  “You don’t need men sweating all over you! Putting you in positions you aren’t used to and dominating you. Some places don’t have the same guidelines and rules mine does. You could seriously find yourself in a lot of pain at the hands of people who don’t care for anything other than their own needs.”

  “That’s just fine by me. I want to feel the pain along with the pleasure. The more pain, the better I can stand someone else touching me. If I can’t have the family I love back, then I don’t need to feel any kind of pleasure beyond getting fucked. And I don’t need, nor do I want, the singles scene. There will never be another man in my life like that. Without Patrick, there is no soul mate for me.”

  Hunter’s fists clenched. He couldn’t allow another man to touch her. There was no way he could live with it.

  “Stay away from any of those clubs, Andy. I mean it.”

  Her eyes shot fire at him. She shook her head and gave his shoulder a shove. “Knock it off. If you won’t let me into your club, it’s your problem. Yes, there I feel safe, I know most of the staff and that you’d never allow anyone to get out of hand. But if you stand in my way, then I’ll go elsewhere. Simple as that.” She sounded smug, certain she had the upper hand.

  His body shook with rage. And fear. To think of her at another club with sleazy men who would tie her up or sweat all over her… It made him ill just thinking about it. She could be seriously hurt. Or worse.

  An idea formed in his mind. “So all you want is access to my club and anyone who is willing to join you for sex and a bit of pain? Is that all?” Hunter demanded.

  He was crazy to even consider such a plan, but he couldn’t allow her out there on her own. Christ, she’d end up even more broken than she was now.

  “I want a lot of pain and a lot of fucking, yes.” She smiled at him, unaware she prodded the beast within him. Damn her for handling her sorrow like this.

  “All right. You can have access to the club. I’ll inform the staff of the change,” Hunter stated, grinning. “No problem, sweetheart.”

  Andy’s eyes widened. “I’m surprised you’re agreeing with this. What changed your mind?”

  “You did, actually. If this is the only way you’ll try to move forward, then I’ll help anyway I can.” Hunter stepped closer until mere inches separated them.

  Andy tried to take a step back, but she was too close to the loveseat and could go no farther.

  “Wait a minute, Hunter,” she ordered, her gaze narrowed on him, obviously suspicious. “What’s the catch?”

  “Catch? There’s really no catch. It’s my club, I say who comes and goes.”

  “I know you do, but…” Andy shifted her feet. He could see her mind working and felt the tension radiate off her body. She looked like a caged animal standing before him desperate to escape.

  “You were pretty determined to keep me out of the club. I find it odd that you agree with my fucking other men so fast.”

  Hunter wasn’t used to Andy speaking in such a manner. Even at the club, she’d always held herself regal and showed her desires when she found something she liked. But he’d never heard her talk so crude and dirty. He had to admit, he quite liked it.

  “Oh, I never agreed to you fucking other men, Andy. Not at all.”

  She frowned. “But I can frequent the club, right?”

  “Of course you can.” He clasped her hands in his. “But you can’t have sex with anyone else.”

  “You’re forbidding me to interact with people?” she demanded, shocked.

  “Not at all. I merely said you couldn’t fuck other people. You’ll just only do so with whomever I choose.”

  “You’re going to choose whom I have sex with! I don’t think so, buster.” Andy tried to shift away, but he held fast.

  “Yes, sweetheart, I will choose. But it’s an easy decision for me, so don’t worry.”

  She stopped struggling. Her gaze roamed his face, looking for what he wasn’t sure. “I still don’t understand.”

  “It’s simple really,” he replied, satisfied with his plan. “You can use the club. You’re welcome to
sit and watch whatever people you wish, but you cannot fuck anyone.”

  She gasped and her cheeks flushed. “No one? Look, Hunt—”

  “No one,” He lifted his left hand and tapped the edge of her nose with his index finger. “But me.”

  Andy fell back against the back of the loveseat, shock written all over her face.

  Satisfaction filled Hunter that he’d left her speechless.

  He’d meant what he’d said. There would be no other man but him that she’d have sex with at the club. He’d fuck her any way she wanted, anytime she wanted. Hell, he’d even go as far as giving her some of the pain she so desperately claimed to need.

  And in doing so, he’d bide his time. Wait as long as it took for her to realize that the sex and pain she was looking for was the opposite of who she was. With all that pleasure and pain, he’d show her that life was worth living and they could be good together.

  He’d loved her for over a decade now. A little while longer wouldn’t be too hard.

  Hunter was nothing if not a patient man.

  Chapter Four

  Andy entered the club the next evening promptly at nine o’clock. To even be there was surprising to her.

  Hunter had left her reeling and confused yesterday. His orders had been simple. Meet him at the club tonight at nine and they’d tackle their first adventure together.

  After sitting on the loveseat for what seemed like an eternity, thinking about what he’d said, she’d laughed it away and tried to push it from her thoughts. She’d barely slept all night from tossing and turning. When she had dozed, it was only to have dreams of Hunter’s hands on her.

  She woke up four or five times, sweating and aching. At five a.m., she’d given up, lay in bed and watched the dark sky turn blue through the window. Guilt ate away at her.

  To have such thoughts about her husband’s best friend tore her to pieces. She cursed him at every moment in her mind for putting such thoughts there. He’d known she was lonely and without a man for too long. That Hunter would callously make light of how she felt pissed her off.

  When she’d finally stumbled out of bed to shower at nine that morning, her fury with him had subsided, but the thought of having sex with him still swirled through her mind.